The Prehensionalist Manifesto
The Prehensionist Manifesto
(This document states the main tenets of the Cult of the Hand. All members of the cult are expected to conform to these principles. Formally, the cult is referred to as the Gripparian Order.)
We seek to promote greater hand consciousness
We advocate manual cultivation, arboreal therapy, and brachiation training
We believe in prehension science and are strict evolutionists
We preach hand reverence
We encourage hand intimacy, but not hand promiscuity
We are in the grip of the grip
We deplore hand neglect and hand repression
We thank nature for the gift of the hand
The thumb and forefinger are objects of special reverence
Our prophets are Charles Darwin, Charles Bell, and John Napier
We foster hand virtue
We think the hand is a thing of beauty
All hands are created equal
We contemplate the hand every day
We never take our hands for granted
We observe the hands of others
We prefer writing to speaking
We support an active hand life-style
All fingers are important
Hand communication is encouraged
We practice special secret hand greetings
We think the hand jive was cool
We leave casts of our hands after death
We worry about the decline of the hand in the modern world
We view tools as extensions of the hand
We classify species according to their prehensive profile
We regard the brain as secondary to the hand
We have intense hand discussions
We teach our children hand anatomy
We believe that pointing is profound
Hand exercise is mandatory
We do everything to avoid cold, numb hands
We believe that a flexible hand is a flexible mind
We regard the intellect as an extension of the hand
We tolerate pan-prehensionists but this is not official doctrine
We admire gibbons greatly
We sing praises to the hand
We favor eating with the hands
We esteem the feet because they are the platform of the hands
The muscles of the forearm are fascinating to us
We believe that anatomy is destiny
We regard the body as essentially prehensile
We regard speech as a fall from grace
We reserve a special compassion for those who have lost their hands
We are entranced by trees
We abhor “glad-handing”
We find hand holding extremely romantic
For us the hand has a halo around it
We view the mouth with some suspicion
We see nature as the Great Chain of Prehensive Being
We feel the foot is misunderstood
We collect hand trivia
We admire hand erudition
We disapprove of hand exhibitionism
Our central metaphor is the grip
At wedding ceremonies we say, “You may now hold the bride’s hand”
We have private hand gripping sessions
Shaking hands is taken very seriously
We feel a kinship with apes
Kissing the hand is permitted but not encouraged
Calling someone “handy” is a great compliment
We see no distinction of status between the power grip and the precision grip
We think philosophers have wrongly ignored the hand
In the beginning was the hand-deed
We despise the phrase “hand job”
We believe that capitalism has led to proletarian hand alienation
We think it is bad manners to grab things
We have long arguments about hand etiquette
We regard the hand as corruptible but not corrupt
We are ambivalent about gloves
We are a secular organization but we applaud hand worship in moderation
We support hand pride initiatives, but deplore hand vanity
We feel that musicians are basically good but at risk of hand abuse
We accept that man is nothing without his opposable thumb
We oppose hand oversimplification
We give out hand achievement prizes, especially to children
We invest in hand education
We believe the hand is more trustworthy than the tongue
We climb trees at weekends
We regard fingerprinting as an invasion of privacy
We are continually astonished by the hand
We do not permit hand plastic surgery, except for medical reasons
We are working to create a hand museum and university
One of our highest honors is to be designated a “Keeper of the Hand”
We wash our hands in a spirit of holiness
Violence with the hand leads to immediate expulsion from the Order
Anyone wishing to become a member must pass a simple test in pointing and gripping
We approve of prehensional meditation but it is not mandatory
We believe mind and body are united in the hand
We are a not-for-profit organization dedicated to improving hand wellbeing globally
We do not favor one hand over the other
We believe that 10 is a special number
We are critical of thumb idolatry, though we understand it
We give our children names like Palm and Index and Grippa
We call Sunday Thumbday
We reject the term “pinkie”, preferring “precious”
We treat the back of the hand with the same respect as the front, though it has no name
We have an annual hand poetry prize
We repudiate all hand superstitions
We maintain that the hand is epistemologically fundamental
We love the words “squeeze” and “grasp”
We stage brachiation contests
“I grasp, therefore I am”
Some of us refrain from applause because it is a form of hand slapping
We are working on improving hand nomenclature
We engage in hand sensitivity training, sometimes involving animals
We are suspicious of conventional notions of hand beauty, such as slender fingers
We have convened a special commission to consider boxing and other martial arts
We envisage a hand utopia
We are ambivalent about card tricks
We feel that everyone should work on his or her power grip, no matter how elevated
We memorize hand figures of speech
We conduct remedial hand appreciation workshops for those who need them
Our official icon is a picture of the thumb-index circle
We dream of the platonic form of the hand
We are very careful with kitchen knives
We think Michelangelo was onto something in the Sistine Chapel
We are interested in hand anthropology but believe in hand universals
We have doctors dedicated only to hand ailments
We have special hand holidays and celebrations
We regard ourselves as the only sane cult in the world
We are impressed by the hand theme in the life of Jesus of Nazareth
For us divinity exists only at the tip of the arms
We esteem all forms of prehension but we reserve a special place for the manual kind
In the hand we glimpse the infinite
We believe we were created in the image of the hand
We reject the notion of an immaterial hand
Man is a manual animal, a res manipulans, a digital soul
But we also know that we must trim our nails
(Membership of the cult is open to all, as long as the above precepts are adhered to. No exceptions permitted. Good gripping!)